I have been feeling a little bit restless/uninspired these last few weeks. To be honest putting together outfits or sourcing cool things for myself or other people has been the last thing on my mind. I get to a point around this time every year where the weather has undeniably beaten me down and I’m in the last phase of my seasonal depression. I feel like winter is just REALLY dragging on here in NYC.
I started my substack as a way to push myself. I was talking to my therapist about how I can sometimes feel stagnant because I’m so judgmental of myself and everything I put out to the world. Her advice to me was to just do, post it, make it, put it out, and keep moving. I have implemented this process in my life these last few months and feel a lot better for it. I think a lot of us strive for perfection which means we miss out on the best part of the process ~ the trying of things. How do we find out what we like if we don’t learn what things we don’t like? This Virgil quote always sticks with me when I feel stagnant- “It's easier to be a critic than to produce work. So the only way to get to the end means is to start the domino effect. Which is essentially, put out bad work.”
Slight tangent there, but essentially my point is that I wasn't sure what I should include in the newsletter this week and a huge part of my life was my cancer journey a few years back. It taught me a lot about myself and the people around me and although it’s not ALL of me, it’s certainly something that shaped me in a lot of ways and something (if I put my cringe aside) I think is worthy of a newsletter from me/about me. SO, here’s the story.
My diagnosis was stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma. I had just turned 26 and I was in a new-ish relationship with my now almost husband. We were driving in California when he noticed something on my neck. At the time we both thought it was a bruise but later that night I got a feeling that it was something properly serious- something I had never felt before, or again thankfully. Due to the stage of my diagnosis, everything moved really quickly from that point. We even got ultrasounds and scans done on that holiday in California because, after an initial visit to a roadside urgent care on the PCH, we were aware that whatever was going on was serious. After flying back to NYC, I had a surgery to remove lymph nodes in my neck for testing, a bone marrow biopsy to check that the cancer hadn’t spread to my bones, and then the process to freeze my eggs, and renew my American visa which was set to expire in the middle of my treatment plan. I don’t really remember having time to properly process what was really happening because everything was moving so quickly.
It’s stupid to think about now, but at the time I wanted to keep my diagnosis a secret from most of the people in my life beyond my closest family and friends. I was the first person in my immediate family and friends to have been diagnosed with cancer and it felt so foreign. I was embarrassed to say I had cancer. My naive thought was that you had to somehow have lived an unhealthy lifestyle to get sick. As time has gone on, it’s now obvious to me how insanely wrong that notion is. Unfortunately, cancer doesn’t discriminate who it chooses and in most cases is just plain bad luck.
My treatment plan called for six months of chemotherapy. One session every two weeks. I also chose to cold cap - a process where you freeze the blood vessels in your scalp to reduce their metabolic rate. Simply, you reduce the circulation to your hair follicles so that the chemotherapy doesn’t reach that part of your body and make your hair fall out. It’s pretty excruciating and intense. You wear the caps for eight hours non-stop on your treatment day. They’re super heavy and cold plunges have nothing on the feeling of putting on that first cap.
I knew immediately post-diagnosis that I wanted to keep my hair as an armor of sorts. I wasn’t sure about what I was about to embark on but I knew if I kept my hair, it would help me forge ahead with my blinders on. It did just that, and I’ll forever be grateful to my cold capper, Faye, and my partner who supported my obsession to keep my hair.
To be clear, I don’t think that everyone should care about keeping their hair if faced with a scenario similar to mine, I just strongly believe we forget about nurturing superficial things in those life altering moments and keeping my hair is what pushed me forward to fight everyday.
After finishing my chemo in December, I was cleared to go home to Australia for the holidays. It was a really quick turnaround and I had no idea how reentering my “normal” life post scans, doctors, and nurses would feel. In a time where friends and family expect you to be happy and relieved that your journey is over, I think a lot of cancer patients feel anything but. During my treatments, I would tick off how many I had left to go- 12,11,10,……3,2,1. That was my only focus. My only goal during that time was to finish my treatment. I am so privileged that I was able to be one of the people that get to make it to that finish line and I realize how many cancer patients don’t have that same reality. I feel guilty for some of the feelings and thoughts I’ve had post treatment because I know there are people that have it much worse. I know my shit isn’t the worst but it’s also not the best. My therapist worked with me to understand that my experience was still traumatic and I’m working not only not belittling what I went through but also processing it.
Another thing I struggled with was this concept of a “light bulb moment” post treatment. This concept that one should look at life differently than before. I knew how lucky I was to have gone through that experience and survived yet a lot of my patterns after my treatment ended up being the same as they were before I was diagnosed. That being said, this year I have made strides and something as small as starting this newsletter has helped me look at my life in a different way.
This notion of just doing has always frightened me until I realized I don’t have to give it so much value. It’s been the small things that have changed my life. If I feel like staying in when all of my friends go out, I nurture that and don’t feel guilty. If I want to post something on instagram or substack, I post and don’t overthink it (I also take note of when social media isn’t feeling good for me and make a conscious effort to switch off). If someone hurts me or doesn’t act the way I think they should, I take a walk. I am human and not much has changed, but yet so much has changed.
I’m not really sure where this is going, except for the fact that I think life can be so short and a lot of the time we worry about things that really do. not. matter.
I’ve been ranting and haven’t even touched on the community I found during my cancer treatment both near and far. The people I’ve met and connected with who have gone through or are going through a similar journey is what changed my life. I realize now, that they were my “light bulb moment”. Some of them I’m lucky enough to know and others I don’t, but their messages will leave an impact on me for the rest of my life.
To wrap up, the arc of this post leads us here! Videos, quotes, articles and books that I found in some way due to my cancer diagnosis. They have all changed my life for the better. I think, this is what they call post traumatic growth and I hope those of you reading this can relate to them in one way or another.
This book: Any Ordinary Day - Leigh Sales
This book: Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted - Suleika Jaouad and this video of her and her husband that altered the chemistry of my brain.
This article on Virgil after his passing
This article in Vogue and my badass friend who wrote it. She was our first muse for our brand and I feel really lucky to have met her.
Our article in Vogue Australia, I can’t thank Alice enough for telling Katie and I’s story so beautifully. Such a pinch me moment when this came out. Also shoutout to my best friend Katie. I really believe we were made for each other.
This article about Post traumatic growth
There’s more in the trove but I want to end on my favorite quote below.
Neridah
xx